Swapping 's' for 'd'

One of my struggles is that of tense. Present tense and past tense.

Because Manny is always in my thoughts, by my side, in my bones, he is present tense for me. But, I find I am often stumbling when talking to others. I start sentences and realise I’m about to say something wrong.

Manny loves pink. He loved pink.

Manny plays violin. He played.

I start sentences that I just can’t bear to finish. Often I find myself avoiding speaking entirely, because I just can’t bear to use the past tense.  I never realised it could be so painful to swap from ‘s’ to ‘d’.

Manny, I want you to know, when I tell Cecily that you love her, or Leila the cat, I use the present tense. Because I can't bear for your love to be in the past tense. Mine isn't.