Before and After

On the 17th of October 2022 I was told that my son, Emanuel, had died by suicide. I don’t remember a lot of what followed, it is a blur of screams and guttural howls that swirl disconcertingly in my memory, with the faces of the sombre policemen, family members, friends, my dying father, and of course, images of my son, lounging into our home and reassuring me it was all a mistake.

But it wasn’t.

My life is forever divided by that day. Before and after.

Losing a child is devastating, but losing your child to suicide takes a particularly severe toll. The American Association of Suicidology reported that the “trauma of losing a loved one to suicide was ‘catastrophic’- on par with that of a concentration camp experience”. Those grieving a suicide are 80% more likely to drop out of school and work, 64% more likely to commit suicide themselves than those grieving a ‘natural’ death.

In my ‘before’ life, like many mothers, fleeting fears of losing a child were quickly banished as unimaginable, too painful to let in. In my ‘after’, I have learnt that the actual pain is far, far worse than I imagined.

I am on a journey to learn how to live without my son. It has involved a lot of searching. Searching for reasons, for meaning, for relief and for connection with Manny. I try to accept that this is my life now, it’s not one I chose but it’s not a detour. This process to coming to terms with Manny’s death has been filled with some precious learning and a whole lot of confusing, meaningless thoughts.

I hope to unpack and reflect on some of my experiences with you. My way is simply that, my path. I would be honoured if you would share it with me and Manny.